A Year After Surviving - Do I Really Have To?

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“I know that most people don’t want to hear me.

I spoke with my good friends and coaches last night, and they told me about how there is a person who no longer wants anything to do with me because I said, and I quote, “people who voted for Trump are garbage people.”

Now, I stand by my statement…but I’ve reached the point where I can’t keep standing by the impact…

I am so lonely, and hurt, and angry that, honestly, I feel like I could go off at a moment’s notice. I am so angry, that I shut myself off from anyone and  everyone who even remotely starts to show me that they aren’t going to play fair with me. I am so hurt, that I have gotten to the point where I truly and earnestly am wishing death on people who spread hate…I won’t be the one to give it to them, but I do wish it for them. I am so lonely, that I just spent the last half hour crying instead of doing my job because my life seems so full of signs of not belonging that I feel like the only time I will ever find a space of belonging is if I die, or steal enough resources to make my own stronghold from the rest of the world…and even then, I know that I won’t really belong, I’ll just stop feeling.

And that’s where I’ve been coming from for this whole past year: Ever since just around my birthday, 2024. Ever since this country voted for a rapist fascist. Ever since I nearly killed myself…a lot of loneliness, hurt, and anger.

But I spoke with my good friends and coaches and they had the most frustratingly perfect thing to say (after all, isn’t that what coaches are there for?): you need to come from a place of empathy and vulnerability. ..”